Thank you

        So in recognizing the events that had transpired the past few weeks in what I have posted, regarding my personal battles that I perphaps costed me not only my ex, but perhaps one of the best friends that I had, before and even after the relationship, all because I was unthinking, selfish and careless how I approached it all. some of it went to
almost irrational thinking when I contemplated of deactivating my facebook account and cutting everyone else out, because I was dealing with that much of the hurt and heartache.
        Just to be giving an update in how I had been feeling, for those who cared and reached out to me since then, I am actually talking to someone. there had been two close friends who had reached out to me. one kicked me in the ass to get my shit straight, while she recommended someone who would be more than grateful in hearing me out, with whatever issues I had, so that I wouldn't go threw this alone, like I had for so long, and not this situation, many more... but still, in regards to actually talking to someone, on that more professional level, as opposed to talking to a friend who you feel compelled would either takes sides or just never fully understand or be there... I never had that before. Sure I have had other issues, unrelated to this one and even for some time I was on medication, anti depressants if you will... although they changed my attitude, I still never had anyone to talk to which is what I really needed... of course the incompetent shrinks where I live made it more hard to actually try and make an appointment and never keep it, which went on for more than 3 months until I gave up on it, and the medication was the only alternative...
           As for those who reached out to me for the past few weeks, for those who had cared, I could never repay that kindness that the lot of you have done for me and it will never go unnoticed, and I could never be more thankful to those people. as for talking to someone, I am and as I said, it is of course nothing personal to those who had reached out, just more of how delicate this situation is, when being offered professional help, something that I never had before but wanted, I was going to take it up. and frankly I had been open with alot of things, not even just the situation but other subjects as well. In fact, I actually messaged him in opinions as to making this note or blog... the idea is to open up more about me... call it some kind of redemption, or a journey to maturing spiritually or physically. regardless, I am doing this message for myself, kind of bits and chunks of my life story and what I had put up with. Alot of this will be on whim and perphaps random so not all of the pieces will add up. I will be saying this all as it comes to mind, for there is nothing prepared or any rough or good draft to me made. What I have to say is not to be taken as any pity story or any means of stirring or causing any drama or politics. If you feel that what I may have to say may offend you (which I know and I hope it won't) then click out now, all this really is, is me telling my story, and what in 25 years I had put up with, not to compare my story to those who perphaps had more to go threw, this is just my story

        So where do I exactly begin? I guess we can start with the girl issue... actually, even some time before that, I know I shouldn't dwell on anything in the past, and to just leave it behind... but it is something that always had stuck with me, and something I had really ever learned to let go. Up until this girl, in particular, I never had anyone. I didn't have any friends even for that matter, I tried and tried... but of course their society had decided to label me and put me in as a reject, without any care or prejudice... I was always on my own. never had or stood a chance. one way got me a slap in a wrist and sent me away to an Alternative school, which according to others, was an extreme measure to happen, way too extreme... I didn't and never belonged there, but that's how they saw me, and some kind of threat, FOR WANTING friends...
          going back to what I had stated before, when I had planned to shut down my facebook, this wasn't my first extreme due to a heartbreak, as a matter of fact it happened before, and until this one came along, I had doubts that I would ever find that spark, because of another situation, which emotionally and physically drained me.
          It was my first job, first time I could try and break out of the mold that was school, which everyone had already had a place for me and never gave me the time and day. a fresh start so to speak, and there was a girl there, gotten to know her well, talked to her alot when we worked together, I developed a crush on her, and I wanted to ask her out, one day she was there, I got cold feet... the next day, she was gone... it was as if she walked off the face of the earth. and it wasn't until a few months later when someone said that she was in an accident with her father and both parished. I wouldn't have known all the details for then at the time I was part time, working only the Weekend days, so a funeral would have happened or some kind of gathering that at the time I had no knowledge about. and for some time, she always had some kind of place in my heart, that the one who got away and if things where different, how would have they... for 5 years I kind of held onto this idea or notion, but between then, I still had other heartbreaks, or crushes, whatever to call them anymore. It wasn't until out of the blue I had typed her name into the Facebook search, and low and behold... there she was... not dead, alive and breathing. the story was her FATHER died, and she left her workplace and tended to caring for her mother. I had tried friending her and messaging her who I was on the friendly level.... she never responded, nor ever accepted or denied the friend request. she saw and read both, but she never did anything to reply back... and the funny thing is, current co-workers... they knew what became of her, but instead fed me a lie, to perphaps maybe I would forget about her? well, it didn't help. I could understand her saying she didn't remember me or anything to that notion, but being that your friends with mutual co workers who know of her current status, and the time to JUST AT LEAST send a courtesy message back rather than avoid them, especially someone who cared for 5 years, that's a big fucking low on anyones part... After that, I just shut out the idea of love, or anything as what love was, or what I thought it was... I didn't care, nor did I want it... I wanted a family down the road, and a wife (not as young as I was and am though, just to clarify), of course time after time again, I was ALWAYS denied that, with the unoriginal and pathetic excuse used over and over and over again... " Just friends". How dare does anyone have that gall to say that to anyone, denying them any kind of happiness, especially after displaying such hope and taking it away from them? that's all I knew how to be "just friends"... It was either that or some girl who would always feel down on herself that would need  some self esteem, all just so she could crap on the person who gave it to her in the first place.... So, I just learned to stop loving. as ridiculous as it sounds, crazy if even, I had always identified myself with tragic characters in cinema. Some such as the Phantom of the Opera, or Davy Jones as depicted from Potc, and maybe perhaps this is a reason why I am so good at what it is I do with the characters, because on that personal deep level, I can relate, and can show the anger and hate when channeled, the heartbreak even
              Of course life has its way of throwing curve balls at you, even when you say "fuck this shit" and learn to walk away, and that came in the form of this, girl.... It was the convention where I had met her. we had our talks, alot of them, because we had been threw the similar situations and threw the ringers.... and it wasn't until (last) November/December where she came out with her feelings for me. Of course there were issues in regards with it, and the main thing was of our distance, the long distance relationship... We had a go at it for a week, until she wanted to call it off, because of the heartache it was putting on her, for me I felt like a million bucks- a billion even, that week alone just talking to her. I could have had a miserable day at work and when she would message me, it would change, and it changed me for what it had. and when she wanted to call it off, I knew somewhere deep down, I would never have that happiness again... and I was more than than sad, I was pissed... but not with her, never with her... I was outraged with all of the circumstances that had happened, which later down the road, would still fire me up, an what had fired me, was this: 25 years of life, I feel that I have had more downs than I have ups... and once I do have that High, there was something ALWAYS around the corner to bring it down, deep down below... and the circumstances in this situation being: the one person THE FIRST person, to actually say they loved me, lift in another state. What kind of cruel sick joke is this for life to throw at someone who has had more downs that he has ups?  Afterwards we had tried remaining close friends. She would go off and see people, meanwhile I haven't... and its not that I had held off for her, its just that I couldn't move on or really find anyone to move on with.... As I said, there is a place for me already molded her, and I feel at this point its just a matter of trying to move on and leaving this shithole and the assholes who put me in place behind.
         anyways, she saw some people, I couldn't... but one thing that was sworn between us, is that if it wasn't for the distance, and we lived closer, "us" would happen... I did everything in my power to make this happen, I really did. unemployement came, and I got sick, but of course as long as there was a place for me, it motivated me... but of course trying to keep in the friendship level... I don't think I really had as much emotion for her, that was until I saw her again, come Indy... and then after she walked from my life when the weekend was over... like I said before, a sick twisted joke to put on anyone, that no one should have to deal with, of having someone they care for soo much and love, live so far away, and that at the current moment, you don't have any control of the situation...
         After the weekend was over, there was emotional draining as usual when after these things are done, more on my part because... well, like I said. the one person that every said they loved me, and the one person I loved back, walked out of my life, until the next time I saw her... This was my fault, because I did get too emotionally connected in the wrong time and the wrong place, and I got selfish and uncaring, and most of all, too over obsessive, which got the better of me...
         We had a fight, because I thought she was seeing someone, something that never triggered me off before, but just the circumstances of seeing someone so soon, and then being open hearted of how you felt when seeing them, it got the better of me... and we said things that we should have never said to each other, and she blocked me... irony was is that I wanted the break and just to get away and take off from the world of facebook, not have any communication with anyone, and just feel that I was in control of the situation and once I was better, start talking to people again... I never wanted all of this to blowup like it did... I didn't...  A few days passed and she wrote me on my other account that which she did not remove, and said that we should part ways. and that I will find happiness...  As I established before, I don't know any kind of happiness, I just don't... but its not saying I am obsessive and never want to forget her, I just can't... Its something I've never learned to do, and because of an argument... I fucked up, and I feel that I lost a friend... who at this point, I feel doesn't care, not even that... but just has forgotten me... she claims that the friendship is still salvagable, but I just feel that once there are no more hard feelings... there will be no me... Once again, cruel fucking twists and turns of life, that just twist the dagger further....
          In conclusion, maybe I did steer far from the meaning, for anyone to ever truly understand...but it was something I really feel I needed to get off my chest, and the person who is advising me stands behind me all the way with what I did say. I don't assume she is, but if she does, and someone who does care shares this with her, I just have this to say to her.
                     
                      I still care, and I always will... that will probobly be my biggest downfall in life, because I do care. and always will care. I am sorry for what I said and did. but I know it will never make up for what happened. There hasn't been a time to go by were I wish I could take back what happened... I remember back when I tried making in a me thing, to try and move on and try to make it a me thing, for myself, and all you wanted to do was to show me something, to make me laugh... and it got out of control... What kills me though, is that I feel as along with the other girl, I will never have any closure, or any reconciliation  which was denied to me so many other times... In the end, I guess over a relationship, my biggest fear is someone who really did care and love me, when others didn't... just to forget me and leave me in the dirt, knowing that perhaps, I will never have that feeling again, and resort to hiding my heart again... I just wish there was some sign that the friendship is repairing and that maybe, in the future, I know there is at least one person who once cared for me and loved me, still there as a friend... I know that I have to wait until the feeling is mutual, but how will I ever know when that comes, and once it does, I will be accepted again?

             and I know for those who are thinking who is this guy to go all the way for someone who probobly has forgotten about him because one other person probably has said "He's nothing, he's shit"... I'm one of a kind. I go out of my way to make sure things are done right, they might not be done in the right way, but I try doing them for the good of my heart, perhaps I am trying to find some kind of peace in this situation to where its not like the other girl where there was never any resolution and this down the road becomes a story I talk about assuming if another girl breaks my heart...


I guess thats all I really needed to say... In the end though, there had been alot of people who had reached out to me that I can't thank enough, and then there are two people who have cared for me in this situation, for which I could not show enough gratitude for....